Rodeo Eddie

by Todd Metcalf

Rodeo Eddie could ride anything. He tamed every bucking bronco, even the fearsome Wet Feather. Pro Bull Rider, Ty Pozzobon, broke his collarbone while challenging him. Rodeo Eddie chopped High Steaks into ground beef.

“Ain’t no man who can outride me,” Rodeo Eddie bragged while nursing a sarsaparilla in the Lazy Circle Bar in Bozeman, Montana. A man held the swinging doors until every eye was on him, then clomped inside.

“Get them spurs off my floor,” Nadine yelled from behind the bar. “You bull guys come in here and think ya own the place.”

“Sorry, ma’am.” He sat next to Rodeo Eddie amid snickering from the regulars who kept their spurs in their pickups.

The man studied Rodeo Eddie’s mug. “What in tarnation ya got there? Root beer?”

A gasp went up from the patrons. Rodeo Eddie turned his head slowly. “You got a name?”

“Biff Bifferstein.”

Rodeo Eddie curled his mouth. “Buddy, that says a lot.”

“Not as much as the froo froo dude with the light blue PT Cruiser outside.”

Several patrons fell over themselves trying to get away before all Hell broke loose.

Rodeo Eddie took a slow drag on his soda. “That’d be mine.”

“Don’t ride anything with a kick, do ya?”

The patrons nearly went crazy. One man fainted.

“Son, I can ride anything.”

“How bout a fire engine?”

They moseyed outside. Rodeo Eddie slipped his gloves on and scaled the ladder.

Biff turned to the driver. “Give him all you got. There’ll be a Franklin in your future if ya do it right.”

“You got it,” the volunteer firefighter said. He gunned the engine and weaved down the road like they would end up in a fiery crash. Rodeo Eddie hung on like the pro he was. As the truck arrived back in the parking lot, Rodeo Eddie leapt off. “There ya go.”

Biff said, “I got an animal you can’t ride.”

“There ain’t nothin’ exists I can’t ride.”

“How about a T-Rex?”

“A dinosaur? They’re died off.”

“Got one right here.” Biff guided the beast out of his trailer.

Rodeo Eddie eyed the monster. “She don’t look that fierce with the muzzle and those tiny forearms flailing about.”

“Suzie’s hind legs’ll crush you worse than any bull.”

“Well, then, saddle her up. Rodeo Eddie’s ridin’ a dinosaur.”

The crowd gatherer round while he mounted the terrible lizard. She reared and jumped and twisted for all she was worth. She fell backward, crushing Rodeo Eddie. Biff pulled the lizard off. Rodeo Eddie didn’t move. Everyone, even mean Nadine, cried at the loss of the world’s greatest rider. Biff packed Suzie up and left.

It was nearly dark when Rodeo Eddie adjusted his hat. “Guess I can’t ride everything.” He got in his PT and cruised off into the sunset.

This story was based on these randomly generated images.

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