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The Joy of Argument by Albert Navarra

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Join US. Join the U.S.

by Linda Marshall

     Now that Great Britain has freed herself from the tyranny of Latvia and other European bullies, she needs an arm around her green and bonny shoulders. She needs a protector. She needs someone who can build Shakespeareland complete with whirling Yorick skull rides.

     Come back to us. Join the U.S. Don't worry about the distance. You're closer than Hawaii, which nobody believes is a state anyway. We have no hard feelings over having been a colony. It's fine that you taxed us heavily, overcharged for tea, and sent your criminals here. The strumpets you exported made clearing the wilderness bearable. And about those two wars. We've forgotten all about them. Really. We have.

     As George Bernard Shaw said, we are two countries separated by a common language. You'll save money by not teaching French in schools. As Americans, nobody expects you to speak any language but American, uh, English. With somewhat the same language, vacationing here will be a joy. You'll only have trouble when you ask a mechanic to look under your bonnet and he whips off your hat and pours oil on your head.

     We can go to Great Britain without a passport. You can come to the U.S. without one. We can buy your ancient buildings and lug them over here without going through customs. Look how well it worked out with London Bridge in Arizona! It doesn't rust, or whatever old bridges do, in the desert.

     The U.S. is expert at building amusement parks. In addition to Shakespeareland, there will be Stonehengeland! White Cliffs of Doverland! Imagine the thrills at Bosworth Fieldland! You could have a Slay Ride!  Get it! Slay Ride! Donald Trump could turn the entire country of Scotland into Golf Courseland! It will be yuuge!

     Unlike the E.U., the U.S. won't make you conform to pesky regulations, environmental, societal, or moral. Heck, we're trying to get rid of regulations. Who needs clean air when you can have another amusement park and pay minimum wage and offer no benefits to workers? The acres of parking lots cuts down on mowing. That's good for the environment, right? And safety nets for the poor, the ill, the downtrodden? Scammers, all of them. As part of the E.U., you've been coddling the disadvantaged for too long. Healthcare for everybody? Pishposh. It should be guns for everybody and healthcare for the rich.

     Now that you're free from tormentors such as Latvia, you need us. Make Great Britain great again. Join us. Join the U.S. We'll treat you almost as well as we treat ourselves.

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